Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
