I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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