his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wish you could order shots online.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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