Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
