They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
