i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
