Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
The air taste purple.
Randomize
