I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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