If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize