We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
