I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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