i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
