Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
