After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
