i love accidental penises.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
