Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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