a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize