So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
