i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
