Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
