It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
