I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
