Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
