I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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