What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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