REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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