I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
