I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
