flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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