can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize