ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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