he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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