im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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