i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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