Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
