Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
