Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize