mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
