i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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