If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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