I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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