She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
