Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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