if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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