Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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