shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
