i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
