Too much gin, very little bucket
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
