just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
