remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
