The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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