oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
