Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
