you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
