You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
